Another Sleepless Night

Today is day 11 with Cayden in the NICU.  I don't know how any mother can get a normal amount of sleep while they have a sick child.  When Riley gets fevers, I don't sleep a wink.  I constantly get up to get her water, take her temperature, and give her the recommended dose of tylenol/motrin every four hours.  It is the same type of sleepless nights when you have a child in the hospital.  I dose off for a few minutes only to wake up panicked with my heart racing 20 minutes later.  I wish I could sleep in the hospital chair next to his bed, but the nursing staff won't let me.  They tell me I need sleep.  I feel like telling them to change positions with me for a day and see if you can sleep.  

Our little man has seen countless medical specialists in the short time since he made his debut in to this world.  Besides having nurses surrounding his bedside constantly, he has seen three neonatoligists, my OB, a cardiologist for his PDA, three respiratory therapists for his lung disease, a physical therapist for his lethargy, a medical social worker, a radiologist, and an occupational therapist.  There's probably more that I'm forgetting.

I'm meeting with the occupational therapists today at 10:40 to try him nippling again.  He is so fatigued from his PIE that he has shown little to no interest in a bottle.  Justin and I have been given excercises to do with him daily to improve his sucking.  I pray he improves a little today.  

The Last 10 Days

I am new to this whole blogging thing, but feel that I really need to get things off my chest right now.  On December 17, 2008, at 9:30 p.m., I gave birth to Cayden Paul.  He is such a beautiful boy.  However, the poor thing came 8w3d early, and my little man has dealt with so much in his first 10 days of life.  I don't want to go on about his medical problems because quite frankly, I don't want to start crying right now.  His strength at less than two weeks old has made me a stronger person.   I can not describe to anyone the feeling of seeing your child so helpless, and hooked up to so many tubes.  There were so many monitors and I was terrified by what each little number meant.  The nurses and doctors said I didn't want to know.  That terrified me even more. I feel that the best way to start this blog is by writing letters to my family.

Dear Justin,

Thank you for being the most amazing man on the face of this planet.  I could not have made it through these last 10 days without you.  You have been my rock and have held it together for our family when I have not been capable of doing so.  You have dried my tears and made me optimistic for what tomorrow will bring.  You have shown me that our family comes first no matter what, and you have helped me be strong through the toughest time in our lives.  I can't wait for the four of us to be home together as a family.  I love you with all my heart and with all my soul.

Love,

Bubbas

Dear Riley,

You have been the most amazing little girl I know.  You're smile has lit me up on even the darkest days.  Because of you, I was able to laugh on Christmas.  Because of you, I was able to think of things beyond hospital doors.  I'm sorry that I am crying as I am writing this to you baby girl.  I am trying hard to be strong for you.  I know that you had a horribly rough day today and I'm sorry that you want to go home.  I understand that you don't like being away from home this much and I never meant for things to be like this.  I know you don't quite understand what's going on right now and why mommy has to spend so much time with Baby Brother, but I hope that someday, you will realize that I am doing the best I can.  I feel terrible that I have not been the mommy to you that you knew two weeks ago.  I miss you so much.  I miss putting you down for naps every day and I miss giving you baths at night.   I'm sorry Omi's house is so freezing and I hope that she will turn the heat up tomorrow.  I'm sorry that I had Grandma take you to see the Tale of Desperaux today because I know that the rats scared you.  I hope you don't have bad dreams.  I understand that you are tired of being at the hospital and that is why I am having you go home with Grandma in a couple of days.  I hope you know that I am not abandoning you.  I can't wait for us to be home again, and I promise that you can watch Maggie Beast as soon as you get home.  Please don't hate me right now.  I know this is so rough on you and I didn't prepare you for this.  You have been such a trooper and I love you from the bottom of my heart.

Love,

Mommy

Dear Cayden,

Hi little buddy!  First off, I want to say that I am so sorry that Mommy didn't keep you in her tummy longer.  I know you were so much better off in there.  I wish I could take away all of your pain and make it mine.  I wish I could make your breathing easier.  I wish I could bring you home.  I'm so sorry that you had to spend your first Christmas in a hospital cage.  The nurses told me today that your bed is not called a cage, but rather a house.  I think it is more like a cage because if it were a house, I could reach in whenever I wanted to and pick you up.  I'm so glad you are off that horrible ventilator.  You looked so sad when you were hooked up to that machine and that machine made Mommy cry a lot.  I still cry now that you're off the ventilator, but I know that each day you are getting better, and that makes Mommy happy.  I got to hold you a lot today and I have to say that you are so darn cute.  The way you wrinkle up your face when I tickle your chin gets me every time.  You look really precious in your new clothes.  I took lots of pictures today and you are definitely very photogenic.  I'm sorry that Mommy can't spend more time with you at the hospital.  Please know that I am there every second that I can be and I can't wait to have you home.  Your Daddy and Big Sister want you home too, so please take a little bit of a bottle tomorrow.  That would make me very happy.  I love you more than you'll ever know.

Love,

Mommy